


Everyone Else is Overrated

by Immawritesomeshit



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Eventual Smut, F/M, Later mutual pining, Mikasa doesn't use Jean to get over Eren in this one, Past Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Pining, jeankasa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:28:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29160423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immawritesomeshit/pseuds/Immawritesomeshit
Summary: "Before she knew it, every time Connie or Sasha made a joke to lighten the grim situation, her eyes would seek him out. She would watch in fascination as his lips stretched into a slight smile. And she would think of how dearly she wanted to be the reason for it one day. "Mikasa and Jean, and how they come together.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 101
Kudos: 295





	1. Year 1 and 2 at the Academy

**Author's Note:**

> Please Isayama I am begging you to give Jean and Mikasa a happy ending.

For her, it had definitely not been love at first sight. 

Because Mikasa had barely noticed Jean at first. Even his compliment, something he later confessed had been a a nerve-racking experience for him, had barely registered in her.

Later, he became _that guy_ who often picked fights with Eren – fights she often had to step in and stop. They would always end with Eren sulking, insisting he could have easily handled _Jean_ , and that’s when she thought _oh, his name is Jean_.

Sasha talked about him a lot too, mostly after their cooking match. _His omurice was shit_ , she had confessed. _But he has such a way with words, you know?_

Mikasa did _not_ know. All she’d heard him do was rile Eren up, and even that wasn’t a difficult feat. All one had to do was look at him a little too long.

They had managed to spend months barely speaking two words to each other, until the day they were partnered up for combat training. Jean already looked half dead (he had gone against Annie first) and Mikasa had meant to go easy on him. But for some reason he was all but inept at executing even the easiest blocking, and she ended up knocking him out. He wasn’t even able to protect himself from the fall. 

His pained cry was like a slap across her face, so reminiscent of the one she had heard once as a child. Another cry she had squeezed out from someone weaker. 

“Kirstein! If you insist on daydreaming in the battle field I’d gladly repackage you into titan feed next time, got it?” Shadis yelled, even as Krista was worriedly wrapping her jacket around his hand as a make-shift cast. Mikasa stood to the side, also worried, because she had failed to control her monstrous strength yet again.

Jean’s eyes met hers, and he immediately looked away.

 _Ah_ , she thought. _Now he thinks I’m a monster too_.

Eren had initially laughed. He didn’t care much about what happened to the other boy, and thought it was _hilarious_ that he hadn’t even been able to land a single blow on her.

But then, as they walked back from dinner, he had pulled her aside and cautioned her to be vary of her strength. Because they needed every soldier they could get.

Armin had been understanding, and had suggested that she go see Jean to apologise if the guilt was eating at her so much. She thought the last thing he’d want to do was see her face, but had relented anyway.

Jean was surprisingly popular, it seemed, and Mikasa had had to wait in the shadows until everyone crowding around his bed left to sneak herself in. She told herself it was to be _polite_.

But really, she just didn’t want to be called a _monster_ in front of others.

Jean was sitting up when she peeped in, his hand reaching for a spoon. A bowl of soup was delicately balanced in front of him on the mattress, probably for lack of a table, and she was immediately concerned about spillage.

Jean had frozen.

“Mi-Mikasa.” He stumbled over his words. “What brings- You- you’re here?”

“I hurt you.” She offered weakly, “So-“

“Ah. That’s why- of course-“ He withdrew his hand, and scratched his chin. “But it wasn’t your fault, really. I wasn’t paying attention-“

“But-“ Her gaze moved to his brand new cast. 

“Oh. Yeah, it’s okay.” He said, “They say it’ll be as good as new in a few weeks. Good thing too. I needed some time off.”

She wasn’t convinced. Jean wanted to get into the military police, and if he missed any important assignments due to this-

“Can I help?” She offered instinctively, but suddenly realised how presumptuous it was. Why would he want _her_ help, especially since she was the one who had put him in this situation in the first place?

Jean was silent, his eyes a little wide, his mouth hanging open comically.

“Unless-“ She rushed to add, “Unless you don’t want to see me- I mean, if you want me to make sure you never see me again, I-“

 _Monster_ , the kids had called her. _Monster. Don’t you dare come here again. We don’t want to play with you anymore._

 _Well, we don’t want to play with you either!_ Eren had defended her, and together with Armin, had held her hand the whole way home.

But she still heard the taunts.

_Monster. Monster. Monster._

_Disappear._

“Why would I never want to see you again?”

She looked up. Blinked. “Huh?”

The boy _she_ hurt looked genuinely confused. “Mikasa, why would I never want to see you again?”

“I-“ She began, unable to look away. “I hurt you.”

“Your only fault was being way too good at what you do.” He smiled. “I’m the one who got distracted. Besides-“ He looked away now, his ears turning red. “-You offered to help.”

Oh. _Oh_.

“You want my help?” She said softly, as if speaking more to herself.

“If- If that’s okay with you.” He replied anyway. “N-no pressure. None of the other guys who put me in a hospital ever offered to help, you see."

She nodded eagerly. “Okay.”

Determinedly, she grabbed the spoon. "I'll feed you." She said. "You shouldn't move your hand."

Jean's face was red, and she wondered if she had acted out of line. 

"Ah, that.. Honestly I'd lo- _like_ that, but-" He was scratching his chin again. "I'd feel like a creep, so-"

"Okay." She relented, a little confused. 

She later related this incident to Eren, who shared her confusion, and Armin, who promptly declared them both idiots. 

True to her words, she _did_ help Jean out. Connie and Sasha were usually around to help him most of the time, so she mostly just wrote notes he could use to revise later. He’d been the one to suggest it.

 _I’m not even sure Connie and Sasha even own notebooks,_ he had confided as she tried not to smile. _And Marco is already helping me out by studying with me._ _You’re the only vassal I can depend on, Mikasa._

Sometimes, she’d help out by carrying his bag and accompanying him to his room – usually whenever Connie was too tired to do it. Jean would glare at him as he made his excuses with a smile, and Mikasa would lament how apparent he made his preference. No matter how much Jean denied it, he was always clearly uncomfortable when they were alone together.

When his injury healed, they naturally stopped spending as much time with each other. Eren loudly rejoiced her ‘return’, Armin said a soft _‘Poor Jean_ ’. And Mikasa strengthened her resolve to never hurt a comrade again.


	2. Final Year as Cadets in Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the encouragement!   
> Here's chapter 2! :D

“-so while Connie and I were sneaking past Shadis-“

“Sasha, why were you sneaking-“

“She probably stole more food from the pantry. It’s _Sasha_ , after all.”

“ANYWAY, as I was saying, we were sneaking past his cabin, and Connie suddenly _froze,_ you see?”

“Probably saw a mouse or something. Doesn’t take much to make that runt pee his pants-“

“Ymir! Sasha, please continue your story.”

“SO, Connie froze and I was like, _what’s going on_ and he goes _Mina is eating Thomas_ -“

“WHAT”

“NO NO NO WAIT they were _kissing_ , right? That’s what he saw?”

“Krista’s right. They were _kissing_.”

Mikasa felt her face heat up. _Why did Sasha have to just blurt everything out so callously-_

“So Mina and Thomas are dating?” Hannah smiled, stars in her eyes. “ _Two_ perfect couples in the class! Who would have thought-“

“Three” Ymir interrupted giving Krista a cheeky grin. “And _we_ have done a lot more than just kis-“

Krista tackled her to the ground with the force of a thousand grizzlies.

“What’s it to us, anyway?” Annie muttered from her corner. “It’s just a kiss. Nothing to lose our heads about.”

Sasha turned to her, grinning wildly. “Oh? Maybe not to people like you who have _experience_ , but some of us are still waiting to have our first kiss, right Mikasa?”

She did not speak. But her damned flushing cheeks probably gave her away.

Sasha gasped dramatically. “Not you _too_ , Mikasa!” She said, “Who was it? _When_ was it?”

“You didn’t question anyone else!” She protested weakly.

“I knew _they_ were wayward from the beginning.” Sasha grinned, “ _You’re_ little miss proper.”

Mikasa kept her mouth shut. But her head was reeling, remembering that night when Armin had been sick, and Eren had walked her back to her room. How he had lingered by the door, absentmindedly chewing on his bottom lip, before asking her _Mikasa can I kiss you?_

And of course, she has said yes, because she’d loved him since she was a kid, and he was asking so _kindly_ and-

“I bet it was Eren” Ymir teased. “Armin seems to be into blondes. Eh, Annie?”

“What are you insinuating?”

“Was it Eren?” Sasha gasped yet again, “Oh, Jean is gonna be _crushed_.”

And Mikasa thought _why would they bring him up there_ but most of her was still trapped in the memory of how Eren had moved his lips against hers ever so gently, how he had wrapped his hands around her, and how crushed she had been when he pulled away and left without another word.

 _Eren is just in puberty_ , Armin had consoled her. _Trust me, he’ll be back soon enough_.

But Eren had pointedly avoided her eyes after that, even when they shared a meal together. They hadn't spoken for _weeks_. 

“But I can’t _imagine_ Eren being a good kisser.” Ymir rolled her eyes. “I’d be surprised if he even knew what that was.”

“All boys kiss gross.” Hannah said, making a face. “I had to spend _hours_ teaching Franz how much is too much tongue.”

Annie nodded, then caught herself, blushing at her slip-up. Mikasa was just confused, because _tongue? People use their tongues to kiss?_

“My first kiss was _horrible_.” Ymir decided to share. “It was a dude, so that probably had something to do with it, but he was so _bad_ that all I wanted was to bite his tongue and run away during the confusion.”

“Ymir!” Krista looked embarrassed.

“You said the same thing about that one dude you kissed-“ Ymir protested. “That it was so weird you couldn’t look him in the eyes again!”

“I _did_ speak to him again!” The little blonde huffed. “…….eventually.”

Mikasa’s heart was thudding against her ribs, and now more than ever, she was convinced that she had done something so _horrible_ during that perfect moment that even Eren, who had seen her at her worst, had had no choice but run away from her.

She imagined him at the boys’ room, cringing as he narrated how bad the kiss had been, how all he wanted to do was run away, because Mikasa had disappointed him. Of course she had.

Annie noticed her change first.

“You’re even gloomier than usual.” She whispered. “Did something they say hit a nerve?”

“Mind your own business.” Mikasa answered equally quietly.

She could see Annie hold back an amused smile. It wasn’t always that Mikasa snapped at someone. Rather, she was _famous_ for how bland her reactions were.

“You know that you don’t have to sit here and listen to them, right?” Annie continued, her voice almost gentle. “Especially if it’s bothering you. I’m heading out for a walk myself.”

“Mm.”

“You want me to bail you out?”

“…Yeah.”

Annie made up an excuse ( _Yes, Mikasa and I are going to run around the grounds. No, you may not come to watch_ ) and all Mikasa had to do was stay silent and let herself be led out of the room, and ignore Ymir’s teasing _‘Use protection even if you’re both women!’_.

Once outside, though, they stood together awkwardly.

“I-” Annie broke the silence. “I’m going on that run. How about you?”

“I’ll just sit here somewhere.” Mikasa answered, trying not to be hurt by the sudden relief on her companion’s face. “Wait till they fall asleep and go back.”

“Okay.” Annie didn’t spare her another look, and just sprinted away like she had a purpose. Mikasa had a sudden thought that the purpose was to get away from her.

She made her way to the training grounds, hoping that no one would be there, and she could finally sit down and have some peace and quiet to wallow in her misery without alerting others.

In the silence, she could hear her heart beat. Somehow, the rhythm was calming, and the sound was so loud that it banished all thoughts of Ere-

“Mikasa?”

Jean was there, bending down to look up at her crouched form. There was worry on his face, worry that seemed almost misplaced, considering how he had not made any effort to speak to her recently.

In fact, he had been _avoiding_ her. Even more than usual.

“Are you _crying_?” He asked, his tone too gentle for someone who didn’t like her.

 _No, but I’m about to_.

Instead, she shook her head.

He paused, but then gave her a reassuring smile. “Is it okay if I stay here for a bit?”

She shrugged.

That was enough, it seems. He stood up and mouthed something to Marco, who was standing at a distance and watching them, and the freckled boy gave him an eager thumbs up before walking in the direction of the male dorms.

“We were on our way back from Shadis’s place.” Jean explained, though really, he didn’t have to. “We’ve been helping out there for extra credit.”

She nodded. It was none of her business, after all.

Jean didn’t try to strike up a conversation again. He sat next to her quietly, just staring at the moon like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

So she had to make the first move.

“Why?” She asked softly, and was surprised by the accusatory tone of her own voice. “You didn’t talk to me till now.”

Jean looked sheepish. “Ah, that-“ He rubbed the back of his neck, “I’m just a sore loser.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” He said quickly. “So uh… why are you crying here alone? Had a fight with Eren?”

She glared, or tried to, anyway. “Why Eren?”

“Because, uh-“ Jean fumbled, “Aren’t you two dating? Cause, um-“

“No.” She said. _I don’t know_.

“Oh? But I saw-“ he was flushed. “I saw you _kiss_ , so-“

She tried not to look too miserable. “It didn’t mean anything.” At least, not to _him_.

Jean, bless him, looked lost and even a little angry. “What?”

“I scared him off.” She said, as if it were a fact and not her thoughts turning against her. “It was that bad.”

“Then he’s an idiot.” Jean huffed, indignant on her behalf. “Anyone would be overjoyed to kiss you-“

“Even you?” She asked. It came out without her really thinking about it, and she was immediately embarrassed.

_Great, now he’d be even more uncomfortable around her-_

“Yeah.” He confessed, interrupting her thoughts. “Even me.”

She doesn’t remember who moved first, but their lips met at the middle, and she closed her eyes and _melted._

Jean cupped her face with both hands, as if anchoring her to place, but she wouldn’t have moved an inch either way. Kissing Jean felt good. It pushed all other thoughts backstage, and the spotlight was just on them, just on how his lips moved against hers.

He swept his tongue across her bottom lip and _oh that's how you use a tongue when you kiss_? 

A little shyly, she returned the favour. To her surprise, Jean made a sound like a small gasp, gently parting his lips. His tongue peeped out to kiss hers, and _this was entirely new territory_ , and _Ymir, not all boys kiss gross_ , and-

Her insecurities came rushing back the moment they pulled apart. She kept her eyes closed, not ready to see Jean run away too.

Jean stayed.

“How- How was it?” She asked softly. She opened her eyes very, very slowly. _Did I make you hate me?_

“…was nice.” He murmured, not meeting her gaze. “Eren is a fucking idiot.”

“Oh.” She didn't know how to respond. Her heart was thudding too hard on her chest, and for one insane moment, she worried it would break free. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.” He kept his gaze on the ground. “So I’m sure Eren will be back soon. You didn't scare him off. Don’t worry.”

She was confused again. _What did Eren have to do with-_

Oh. Jean hadn’t kissed her because he wanted to. He’d done it to check what she was doing wrong.

It was… nice of him. But it was still embarrassing how she had actually thought-

“Thank you.” She said, for lack of anything else to say.

“…yeah.” He said. “I’ll get going then. Good luck with Eren.”

“…yeah.” She echoed.

Neither met the other’s eyes.

Eren came to her a few days later, confessing that he’d done it on a dare. That it had made him feel _strange_ , and it had scared him, and-

 _‘Mikasa, you looked like a girl_ ’ he had complained, as if it were her fault. Then, ‘ _It felt good, though._ ’

It put her at ease, knowing that it wasn’t completely off the table. She’d catch Eren staring a little too long at her mouth sometimes, and that should have been enough, really-

But she started wondering if Jean did that too.


	3. Survey Corps

If asked, she’d say the day his attitude to her changed was the day he turned to her and said ‘ _Mikasa, not everyone is ready to sacrifice their lives for Eren._ ’

It was a slap on her face, no doubt. But the old Jean wouldn’t have even bothered to set her straight, she thought. 

It felt like they had become more comfortable around each other. Jean would casually remind her whenever she was doing something wrong - that other people were not her, that other people did not share her experiences, that other people did not put their whole reason for living on the survival of one brown haired boy.

In the end, she was thankful.

Jean had lost Marco, one of his best friends. He had seen the terror of the titans first hand, and still decided to join the survey corps. Just like the others whom she now held dear. 

Now, she had many more people to protect. It wasn’t just Eren and Armin. Her world was wider, her heart fuller, and it didn't matter if they didn't regard her the same. 

There were now so many more lives she couldn’t bear to lose.

She’d sometimes come across Jean, Sasha and Connie sitting together on their time off, and marvel at how easily they had fit into place. She’d watch them sometimes, a little envious of how _equal_ all three of them seemed.

At times she felt the odd one out when Eren and Armin were talking. She loved listening to them, loved how bright their eyes would get when they spoke excitedly, but it was a passion she could not comprehend. They had a world of their own and _she_ was on the outside looking in. 

They were not excluding her on purpose. But everything they were passionate about was _dangerous_. Was an almost guaranteed way to kill themselves. And though Mikasa understood that the danger would never stand in their way, they often failed to understand that her remarks came from a place of concern. 

Eren, especially, took her worries as a slight to his abilities. When in fact, all she wanted was to keep what remained of her family _safe_. 

She'd lost family twice. Both times, cruelly taken away from her, right in front of her eyes. And now, she was doomed to suffer that again. 

So later, whenever the conversation began, she would simply get up and walk away. Sometimes, the two would not even notice. It wasn't their fault, really. It was passion. _Passion_. Something she clearly lacked. 

So when she was on one of those solitary walks, she would wonder what else there was to her life. Other than her desire to protect those she loved, what else made her who she was? How was she different from a sword, if that was all she was? 

_Not everyone is ready to sacrifice their lives for Eren._

Because they all had reasons of their own to live for. 

Mikasa started to hate those walks, yet they became a part of her routine nevertheless. 

“-and then she stuffed a piece of bread in my mouth and said _eat_.” She overheard Sasha say one day, gesturing wildly with her hands. “I swear, she thinks she can get away with anything as long as she feeds me-“

“Is she wrong?” Connie raised an eyebrow.

“Well, no, but-“ Sasha pouted. “I’d forgive her for free too, you know? She doesn’t have to bribe me every time-“

“Maybe you should tell her that.” Jean suggested. “Instead of relying on your dormant telepathic skills.”

“Stick your wit up your ass, horse boy.”

“Go suck a potato, food mon-“

All three of them stopped, and Mikasa realised they had noticed her.

Sasha gave her a sheepish smile. “How much did you hear?”

She looked away, pulling up her scarf to hide as much of her face as possible. “…I won’t give you food anymore.” She said.

Sasha was hugging her the next instant. “NO! DON’T STOP THE FOOD!” She insisted. “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU FEED ME.”

“You love it when _anyone_ feeds you.” Connie rolled his eyes. “Mikasa, I think you misunderstood. She already likes you a lot, so you don’t need to use food to get her to do stuff.”

She leaned back, a little startled. Sasha had taken full advantage of the hug, and was nuzzling against her neck.

“You _like_ me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Sasha asked, head tilted in confusion. “You’re _sweet_.”

“Except for the weird obsession with Eren.” Connie added.

“Except for the weird obsession with Eren.” Sasha echoed in agreement. “We’re friends, right?”

She saw their reactions to her tears before she felt them on her own skin. Sasha was half laughing, half concerned, as she pulled out a hankie and dabbed at her eyes. Connie seemed torn between gawking at her and at Jean, who, for his part, looked like he’d pass out any second.

“Are you crying over being _my friend?_ ” Sasha cooed, squeezing her fingers. “You’re so adorable. Jean, if you don’t take her I call dibs-“

“Fuck off Sasha!” He finally spoke, face flaming red. “Mikasa, she doesn’t mean what she sai-“

“Oh I totally meant it.” Sasha teased. “I could just eat her up-“

“First Eren, now Sasha.” Connie remarked, patting Jean’s shoulder. “You’ve got a rough path ahead of you, mister.”

“I’ll crack your head to make breakfast, asshole!”

They insisted on making her sit there till she stopped sobbing (which took an embarrassingly long amount of time). Sasha insisted on sharing stories about Connie with her, a favour he returned with a vengeance. And since Jean laughed at them both, they teamed up to tell her embarrassing stories about _him_.

‘ _And he told Marco he regularly rode around his hometown, you see?_ ’ Connie had laughed. _‘But the first time he got on a horse here, he fell off within seconds-‘_

‘ _…he tried to chat this girl up, to prove a point to Marco or something-‘_ Sasha had to start running whilst telling that story. Jean had followed her around, begging her to stop. _‘And after all that, he suggested they go out for drinks, and the girl asks if she can bring her wife too-_ ‘

She felt warm. She felt _welcome_. They spoke of simpler passions – wanting to live a happy life, make their family proud, eat a lot of great food. Sasha would always explain their inside jokes even without her asking, and Mikasa wondered whether she would have felt the same comfort with Armin and Eren if she had asked them to explain things to her too. 

The first time she burst into a small laugh, it was at something Sasha had said. The brown haired girl had immediately wrapped her in another bear hug, exclaiming that she wanted to see _this_ side of her roomie more often. And Mikasa had caught Jean looking at her, his gaze intense, an unfamiliar feeling overtaking her mind for a moment before Connie started another story, insisting that he could make her laugh more than Sasha had. 

By the end of it, her tears were because of laughing too hard. And when the sun started setting, Connie told them that he had to go take care of some ‘urgent business’. Sasha volunteered to accompany him, which left her and Jean to walk back together to the dorms.

She noticed that he had slowed down his steps to match hers. Jean always walked like he was in a hurry ( _A horse through and through, Eren would say_ ). The subtle kindness almost made her break into another smile. 

“Hey.” He said, breaking her reverie.

“Hi.” She replied, suddenly embarrassed at having cried before him. He always seemed to catch her at her weakest.

“W-what Sasha and Connie talked about today-“ He began, then paused to clear his throat. “I uh- I had a thing for you. That’s why they’re always acting so weird around you.”

She forced herself to keep walking, though her mind was still replaying _I had a thing for you I had a thing for you I had a thing for you-_

He must have misinterpreted her silence.

“It’s in the past! Don’t worry-“ He added quickly. “Y-you’re a purely platonic _comrade_ to me now, so-“

She felt disappointed. Then guilty at being disappointed. “Oh.”

“Yeah, so-“ He was rubbing the back of his neck again. “You uh, you don’t have to think about it. I just wanted you to hear it from me first.”

Her mind was reeling. So he had liked her. Jean had _liked_ her. Even with her gloomy silence, and her over protectiveness, her general reckless behaviour, her complete lack of substance-

 _Liked_.

Something had made him stop.

 _Maybe after getting to know me,_ she thought bitterly.

But it was wrong, _so_ wrong to be annoyed at someone for _moving on_ , especially since the only person she loved was-

 _I had a thing for you_.

She’d not been able to forget that kiss.

_Was it possible to want two people at once?_

Was that even a problem now, though? Eren was scared of wanting her. Jean had stopped wanting her.

 _No one_ wanted her. A sword would do its duty irrespective of whether it was cherished or not. 

_But Mikasa was not a sword._

In a sudden burst of courage, she asked, “Why did you stop?”

Jean looked at her in surprise, clearly taken aback. “What-“

The courage was gone as soon as it had come.

“Gooffnight-“ She said, flustered, confused, embarrassed, wanting to just run away and forget she had done something so _sad_.

And run she did. Jean called her, his voice strangely desperate, but she did not look back.

She pounded her balled fists against the library door, where she _knew_ Armin was, until he let her in and she could collapse in his arms. The blonde boy did not ask her any questions - simply held her as she sobbed.

At some point, she had dozed off, only coming back to semi-consciousness when someone took her from Armin’s hands. Even then, her vision was blurry with sleep.

“…my arms were starting to fall asleep.” She heard Armin laugh. “You came at the right time-“

“Jean told me she wasn’t doing good. That sneaky bastard.” She heard Eren grumble. “And I _knew_ she’d be with you.” Then, a softer, “She always is.”

“It’s not like that with us, Eren.” Armin said, like a parent chastising their child. “If you were kinder to her, she’d open up to you too.”

She couldn’t tell if Eren had replied. Her eyes were too heavy, the exhaustion too much to fight, and she had fallen back into deep slumber.

The next day, she woke up in her bed, the ghost of a kiss still tingling on her forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kind comments! I really appreciate them, and they really keep me going! :D


	4. Marley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains small spoilers for Chapter 123!

It should be a testament to how much she has grown – the fact that she was still there, still with her friends and their cause, though Eren had long ago abandoned them. Everyone around her had changed drastically, including Armin. Perhaps, including herself as well.

And her feelings.

 _What am I to you?_ Eren had asked before he left them behind.

It was the first time she had thought of it in a while. In the midst of war, she didn't have the liberty to closely examine what exactly she felt for others – only quickly classify them into people she should save and people she would die for. She had assumed that her yearning for Eren was timeless. But something she had just accepted as an unchanging fact, now seemed as fickle as the seasons.

The only thing that had remained unchanged was that he was _family_.

Eren was still dear to her. Dear enough that despite even Armin losing trust in him, she had persevered.

But now her mind also wandered to someone else. Something had taken root in her mind before she noticed it herself. Something had flourished with every moment she spent with the man who had fallen out of love with her.

It was difficult, hiding in Marley. They mostly pretended to be tourists, changing their accents to ensure that no one would clock them as eldians. Jean was the best at adapting to this new life, hence he became the main scout. He would venture out at times, check the people out, sometimes buy newspapers which would feed them better intel about the new world they had found themselves in. 

It started when she noticed her anxiety grow with every second he was late in returning. When he did finally step in, she would have to hold herself back from running to him, checking to see if he was alright. She’d stay nearby, never out of earshot, as people surrounded him for information. He definitely noticed her attachment – one day, when she was not there to greet him at the door, he had looked for her himself.

 _I’m back,_ he had said.

 _Welcome back_ , she had replied, as what-ifs danced in her mind.

Before she knew it, every time Connie or Sasha made a joke to lighten the grim situation, her eyes would seek him out. She would watch in fascination as his lips stretched into a slight smile. And she would think of how dearly she wanted to be the reason for it one day.

That was the case on that eventful day as well. Their benefactors had managed to smuggle in some alcohol, and everyone was enjoying one last night of freedom before the fighting was to start again.

Eren’s letter had set the date for three days from then.

Armin was with Hange and a few others, desperately working on a plan that would leave minimum causalities. He had refused her offer to stay by his side.

‘ _You’ll have to fight a lot, Mikasa._ ’ He had told her, his eyes soft with affection. ‘ _For now, you should rest’_.

And that’s why she was snuggled next to Sasha as the energetic woman animatedly narrated, to the eager new recruits, about how she had hunted a wild board just to serve meat to commander Pixis.

“And Jean won with fucking _eggs_.” Connie leered. “Wasn’t even _good_ eggs.”

“Hey, my cooking came from the _heart_!” Jean protested, throwing an empty beer can at his friend. “At least I’m not the one who took _months_ to learn the way to the toilets-“

The newcomers watched the scene with interest. Sasha had begun to drift off, already used to this scene. 

“Just cause you’re growing a beard doesn’t mean you’re automatically cool-“

“Funny. I have more hair on my chin than you have on your head.”

Connie stood up, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “You wanna go, pal?”

“Once we retire, I’m kicking your ass.” Jean replied, grinning. “Right now, we need all the people we can get. Even _clowns_.”

“Hey, you’re the clown still mooning for someone _waaay_ out of your lea-“

Connie sat down suddenly, looking all kinds of guilty. “Sorry. That was out of line.”

“..s the alcohol.” Jean offered kindly, though he still looked annoyed. “I’m just gonna go... get some… _yeah_.”

As Connie brought up other stories in a bid to disguise the awkward silence, Mikasa shook off Sasha’s hands and tailed Jean to the storage room.

 _Liquid courage_ , she realised. _Being buzzed, and wanting to tell him._

Because Connie's teasing, of all things, had given her hope.

He was just awkwardly standing in the dingy room as she stepped in. Sensing her enter, he immediately started looking for something amidst the cans of non-perishables.

“I was just looking-“

“-want you.”

“-for some… _what?_ ”

She forced herself to look at him, make sure that he saw how _raw_ she was trying to be.

“I want you-“ She blushed, “…Jean.”

She had so many more things she wanted to tell him. How she couldn’t help but seek him out wherever she went. How, when Eren left and Armin shut her off, he was one of the main reasons she could bear to stay. How _handsome_ she thought he was, how kind, how talented, how she loved that he would spare no effort to sugar-coat his criticisms. How he never shut her off, and-

And recently, how she had started to _dream_ of him in ways she had never dreamt of anyone before. 

“You’re drunk.” He said stupidly, and she wanted to laugh.

“I only had a sip.” She said. “Just to give me courage.”

“Courage.” He repeated, as if he had forgotten how to concoct words himself.

Mikasa was never one to do things by halves.

“I want to kiss you.” She said.

_The sun rises in the east and roses have thorns and the world is cruel and I want to kiss you._

It wasn't a aquestion because she didn’t expect anything in return, not really. All she wanted to do was _tell him_ , because she was still battling with guilt over not telling Eren anything when she should have, and she didn’t want to make that mistake again.

But Jean was looking at her with hungry, hooded eyes, and she all but fell into his eager embrace.

His kiss was _very_ different from how it had been last time. This time, he was less restrained, less shy. He devoured her with his mouth, held her flush against him with his arms, and before she could calm herself down, gave her another heart attack by pushing her to a wall and bringing his knee up between her legs.

“ _Mikasa_ -“ He sighed into her mouth. “Am I dreaming?”

 _This must be my dream_ , she thought, eagerly capturing his lips again. Jean returned her vigour, his palms cupping her ass and guiding her to grind against his thigh.

There was so much friction, so less space, and Mikasa wanted _more_ , _more_ , and-

Sasha _screamed_.

She immediately pulled away, and Jean was staring at her in disbelief, though he did not move away. He regarded their position as if he hadn’t really been aware of what was going on, and when their eyes met again, he looked like he wanted to _eat_ her alive.

“Did I force you, ‘kasa?” He asked, voice low and husky, making her want to _use_ his supple thigh again to quell this strange _need_ building inside her.

“No.” She said carefully, making sure to not break eye contact even with Sasha gaping at them. She wanted him to know. So that, if needed, the rejection would be _blunt_. She would have no more regrets. “I want this.”

“ _Fuck-_ “ He was nuzzling her neck again, kissing, licking, biting, as if desperately trying to leave his marks behind. “ _Fuck_ , this can’t be real-“

Her heart sank. “Should I leave-“

He pulled back to look at her at that. “Do you want to?”

“…no” She blushed, and was immediately at ease seeing the giant grin spread across his face.

“I want to!” Sasha announced. “I want to just grab that sauce from the cupboard you’ve been dry humping against and go drown myself in _bleach_.”

“Have your food without sauce for once.” Jean said dryly, not taking his eyes off Mikasa for a second. “I’ve waited _years_ for this, and I’m not waiting another damn second.”

Her face must have betrayed her shock, because he chuckled and gave her a soft peck on the tip of her nose. “I never got over you.” He explained. “Just freaked out and lied cause my idiot friends couldn’t keep a secret to save their lives.”

“And you’re making out with her in front of one of those idiot friends!” Sasha huffed. “I’ll make sure everyone knows, fucker.”

“And you think I’d be against that _because_?”

“…touche.” She still wormed her way in, careful to not even touch them as she reached out to take her precious sauce anyway. “But if Armin comes in to break this up, don’t blame me.”

“Fuck off already.” Jean groaned. “Don’t you have a famine to cause?”

Sasha rolled her eyes as she moved to the door with exaggerated slowness. “For all you know, I just saved you from being a quick shot.”

Mikasa burrowed her face into Jean’s chest, trying her best to look as small as possible, embarrassed at the situation but _still_ wanting more. His right hand was on the small of her back, rubbing soothing circles on her as he snapped at Sasha until she closed the door and left.

And then they were all alone.

The heat was still there, swirling around them, knocking the very breath out of her from how _desperate_ and _exhilarating_ the feeling was. But neither of them moved.

“Hey-“ Jean began, his words quickly dying in a chuckle as she eagerly looked up at him.

“Hi.” She smiled.

“This…uh, well, this happened.” He continued, fingers still tracing patterns on her. She both loved and hated how _weak_ it made her feel, like she would collapse at any moment, and still _know_ that he would catch her.

“Mhm.” She said, instinctively shifting closer.

“I’m sorry I’m asking this, but-“ Jean said, holding her just a bit tighter. “This… isn’t just to get over Eren, is it?”

She blinked.

_Eren._

“I-“ She started, and felt him stiffen. “-I haven’t thought about him once after we-“ Her face felt warm. “-after _you_ touched me.”

“…ah.” He hid his face in the crook of her neck. “..so you’re only thinking about me?”

“Mm.” She tried to look at his face. Sensing this, he just held her closer.

“Sorry. My face is a mess right now.” He whispered, and his breath on her skin made her shiver. “Its embarrassing.”

She didn't push him, even though she wanted to see. She wanted to know if his face was as flushed as hers felt, if his eyes still burned for her. 

He chuckled. "I'm a little peeved at the timing." He said. "Either of us might end up dying soon."

"We have three more days." She replied, trying to be optimistic. "And many more later, if we stay alive." Then, resolutely. "I'll protect you."

He scoffed. "Don't treat me like Eren. I'm not suicidal." 

"You're not Eren." She pressed. "I still want to keep you safe."

"All right." He gave up. "But in return, I'm protecting you too." 

_You already do_ , she thought, content in his presence. _You've already saved me so many times._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaalright  
> I'm not the best at writing 'action', so I hope this wasn't weird.   
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Return to Paradis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grand finale!
> 
> **contains smut**

They came together on borrowed time.

As Jean shuddered against her chest, his hands desperately mapping her body, Mikasa allowed herself to forget. Forget the number of lives she had taken. Forget the mistakes she had made. Forget the precious people she had lost. Forget that her _family_ was behind bars right at this moment, held underground, because he was the first spark for a potential civil war. Forget that there was a very large possibility that none of them would survive this fight.

“Mikasa”

She ate up the way her name sounded in his tongue. He whispered it against every surface of her body, against her very soul. And she reciprocated eagerly, because there was no one else she would rather be with. No other name she would rather carve into the air around them.

He broke their kiss first, before pulling back to drink in the sight of her, sprawled across the bed in a room that had been empty at the right place and the right time. She’d feel sorry for whoever it belonged to _later_. Right now, in this moment, all that existed was her and Jean and just enough of the world to hold them.

“Are you sure?” He asked, not for the first time. He’d been asking it a lot recently.

The first time they spent the night together was after Sasha’s funeral. She found herself outside his room, and he let her in without question. They did nothing but hold each other and sleep, yet that very simple act had brought them closer than ever before. Because Sasha was gone, _Sasha_ was gone, and they could very well be next.

A few days later, she had kissed him with purpose. Had taken his hands and placed them right where she wanted them. He, though eager, had asked her _Are you sure?_ And she had replied _Yes_ because time was finite, _they_ were finite, and she was tired of being selfless.

She was tired of leaving everything for later. Of forgetting her desires for the greater cause.

There was so much she had wanted to tell Sasha. So many promises they had made before falling asleep, so many plans for _later_ , foolishly believing that they would remain immortal in a painfully mortal world.

So when Jean held her close and whispered words of love, when she wrapped her legs around him and claimed him as hers, it was her first selfish act in a while. This was something she had wanted purely for herself, to sate _her_ desires, and it was _horrible_ that they could enjoy the fruit of being alive when so many of their comrades lay dead around them. It was her sin, _their_ sin.

But Jean continued to ask.

They came together every chance they could get, making love with the desperation of two who knew that it could very well be their last time. She was sure that those around her had noticed. Armin pointedly avoided asking her questions whenever he came across her in the hallways at night. Connie no longer teased Jean, only gave them a soft smile when he saw them together. Their superiors turned a blind eye to them, because despite being in the fresh throes of the bliss of requited love, they never forgot they were soldiers first.

And that night, Mikasa had planned to get rid of another one of her regrets.

Jean kissed his way down her chest, her waist, to linger by her navel. He slowly spread her legs, his eyes never leaving hers, looking for any sign of discomfort.

She egged him on with sighs and soft moans as he dived between her legs.

They had learnt together, her and Jean, just how to play the other like a flute. He knew every spot that would make her weak, and she knew his. He knew that she loved to be teased, and she knew that he enjoyed it more if she threaded her fingers through his hair during the act. It was true reciprocation, the way they loved. They both gave, they both took.

And when he came up to kiss her languidly after helping her reach her peak, she did not shy away. Instead, with her fingers still hooked on his soft, _soft_ hair, she returned his kiss with reckless abandon.

Jean stopped her as her hands drifted down, towards where his weeping arousal pressed against her.

“Can’t. Might cum.” He groaned against her lips. “Need to be _in_ you.”

 _Look at you_ , she thought with affection, as he turned away from her for a second to put a condom on. _You were barely able to talk to me at first_.

 _I liked you twice_ , he had told her once, right after their second kiss. _The first time I just thought you were pretty. Then I thought you were a troublesome, stubborn woman_ -

He had paused to laugh at the annoyance on her face.

 _Let me finish-_ He had smiled. _You were troublesome, stubborn, over protective and head over heels for the most irritating guy I knew. But you were also kind, you were so strong,_ _so talented,_ and _I couldn’t take my eyes off you_.

“You’re smiling.” Jean noted as he returned to her side. They kissed again, Jean’s deft fingers travelling lower to make sure she was ready for him.

“I was just remembering something.”

“Something good?”

“Mmhmm.”

His smile turned bashful. “Something about me?”

She mirrored his smile. “Yeah.”

He entered her slowly, kissing and mumbling nonsensical words against her neck as she adjusted to him. They were connected, and all she could see now was Jean, _Jean_ , who had loved her so much. _Jean_ , whom she loved so much.

“I love you.” She said, one hand cupping his cheek tenderly.

He paused, eyes wide, face flushed, before collapsing on her.

“unfair-“ He muttered. “It’s unfair to tell me something like that right _now_ , ‘Kasa.”

“Sorry.” She said, though she really wasn’t.

He rocked against her once, the sweetest way to show annoyance. “You already know how I feel.”

“Mmhmm.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Ah _fuck_ ”, He laughed. “Your sense of timing _sucks_.”

Growing impatient, she took it upon herself to move, squirming under him.

“So needy.” He remarked, before moving, slowly at first, then faster as she closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the feeling. “…all for _me_.”

She could imagine it. A life of peace after the war, a home to return to with Jean by her side. Armin could visit. Or maybe live nearby, just as he had before. Connie too. And even Levi and Hange. And maybe, just maybe, Eren could be a part of that happy future too.

But it was all a dream built on shaky grounds. A future so fragile that the softest wind could cause it to topple over, cause it to come undone. And the end might find her under the ground, or worse, once again crying over cold tombstones.

She held him closer, moving along with him, an eager participant in this ritual of adoration.

“If we live-“ He said, in the midst of pressing tender kisses on her face. “If we live, let’s get a house.”

“Yeah”

“We’ve fought enough. We deserve to- _ah_ – we deserve to live for _ourselves_ for a change-“

“Yeah”

“So you-“ He gasped when she pulled him down, so that they were locked in an embrace even as he pounded into her. “- _live with me.”_

“Yes.” She breathed, kissing every bit of his exposed skin, leaving goosebumps in her wake. “Yes, yes.”

Their words soon turned into meaningless whimpers. They were a tangle of limbs and hair and desperate mouths, chaotic but moving _together_ , all sighs and moans and unintelligible whispers of love.

Jean came first, an apology on his lips as he crumbled on top of her, exhausted by the strength of his release. But she still found his fingers between her thighs, helping her reach her own orgasm, as he softly pressed penitent kisses on the shell of her ear, promising her that he will try his best to hold himself back longer _next_ time, teasing her for being so _good_ that it half-killed him to even enter her.

 _Next time_ , she thought, for the first time in a while. _There will be a next time_.

If only fools dared to hope, then fools they would be.

After she came, they just lay together, his chin resting on her head as he curled around her. Her head was pressed against his chest, his heartbeat almost lulling her to sleep.

“Hey.” He said. “I was thinking.”

“Mm?”

“If we get a house, we’ll need at least three rooms.”

She was confused. “Three?”

“One for us.” He listed. “One for.. uh.. if we ever have any.. kids of our own.”

She chuckled. “Such a greedy man.” _To dream of more, when it would be a miracle even for them to survive._

“Only if you want them too.” He quickly amended. “You’re most important. “

“Fair.” After all, she couldn’t see herself as a mother. Not just yet.

“And the third for Eren.” He groaned. “I don’t want to, but even if he ends up repenting, I doubt that anyone else will be able to forgive him. He can drop by now and then if he gets too lonely-“

She burrowed deeper into his arms. “Idiot.”

“I’m the idiot you _chose_.” He grinned, “Now let’s work our butts off to get to that future, yeah?”

She closed her eyes, the first taste of potential happiness already making her greedy for more.

 _This_ Mikasa was unrecognisable.

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And wow, this is the fastest I've ever finished a fic.  
> I hope you guys liked it! Less than 70 days to go for the whole series to end, and I'm just here hoping that at least some of our beloved characters get to experience happiness at the end.  
> Thank you to all those who read the fic so far, and a special thank you to everyone who commented... you guys made me want to keep going!  
> (Also psttt! @sokenobi, you left such nice comments in every single chapter, and I started to look forward to seeing your name pop up every time! I especially hope the ending hasn't disappointed you! Thank you so much for your support!)  
> I can't wait to write more for this adorable couple! :D


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